It's Okay to be Flexible

I say with all honesty...being flexible is part of life. There are times when we have to cut ourself some slack, and today was one of those days for me. It was a good friend's birthday which we celebrated at lunch...I chose to eat my prepared lunch, but I did allow myself to have a small piece of cake. Good news....the world didn't end. I didn't gain ten pounds or fall off the wagon or anything! Extreme analogy I know, but for me getting rid of the all or none mentality starts here. It is okay to enjoy myself from time to time.

Today's Log (go easy on me)
Breakfast: Protein Shake and 3\4c oatmeal
Snack: Pistachios and an apple
Lunch: chicken breast, steamed veggies, 1\3 sweet potato, an apple, small piece of chocolate cake
Snack: 7 carrots, cauliflower
Dinner: pork roast, red bell pepper, squash, asparagus
Snack: Popcorn with my babies :)

Today's Workout
1 mile run 9:33
Single Leg Press 3x8@165#
Back Squat 4x5@165#
Quad Ext 3x10@70#
Ham Curls 3x10@70#
Overhead Squats 3x10@50#
Deadlift\Good Morning 3x10@50#

Temptation

We all know there are going to be times when we are truly tempted. Today was one of those days.  I am struggling a little with time between meals. This morning it was due to the fact that I ate breakfast too early, and this evening it was due to not getting home early enough and not being prepared.

Always feels good to prepare fresh!!!

Good news though...all is well. The moment that the thought came in mind about how easy it would be to just stop and get something and thinking about how hungry I was, I immediately was reminded that I would have to post the crap I ate. Yikes! That is another one of the benefiting of keeping this blog. I have to hold myself accountable!

Today's Food Log
Early Breakfast: Protein Shake, 3/4c oatmeal
Breakfast: Bacon, Egg and Cheese Burrito (small one) (not the best choice but that is what happens when it available)
Snack: Apple
Lunch: 3.5oz chicken breast, steamed veggies, 1/3 sweet potato, apple (turned down Italian food, bread and tea...yay me!)
Snack: Protein Bar and Gatorade
Dinner: 2 eggs, squash, sweet potato, red bell pepper, asparagus (yum)

Today's Workout: Credit to Crossfit Champions
Warm-up:
400 m jog
20 air squats
20 push ups
20 leg raises
20 back ext.

Strength:
Deadlift---- 5@135#, 5@225#, 5@255#, 4@265#

Conditioning: "Ghost"
6 round of
1 min Row for Calories
1 min Burpees
1 min Double Unders
1 min rest
Total: 489 reps (previous score 501 reps in December)

I just wanted to put it out there...if you are following this blog and you want to join by posting your food and workouts. You can do so by putting your information in the comment section below. I would love to have other people join my journey :)

That Little Voice - The Critic

I have seen many, many cruel people throughout my life. I have seen people hurt by the things they say. I have seen them hurt because they are not accepted by these people, but I never heard anyone talk to another person the way that I talk to myself. Now before you start thinking I'm crazy, I will clear the air...I totally am!

Let's be honest though, we are most definitely our own worst critics. Speaking from experience, I still pick apart every flaw I have on a daily basis. It is the little voice inside that reminds me that I am not good enough. It affects so much of our lives. It makes me think of my favorite poem that I teach every year in my English class, "Our Deepest Fear". Not just because it is so well written, but rather the message in that poem is so powerful and applicable to my life and the lives of the people around me. It talks about how fear keeps us from trying our best and putting ourselves out there. But when we do, it is contagious. The people around will try to emulate the positive example you are setting.



Is this an easy thing to? Absolutely NOT! For me, this little voice in my head is sometimes debilitating. It tells me that I can't, that I am too fat...too slow...not good enough. The sad part is recognizing that it is a lie can be very challenging...even when I know it...something inside just won't let go.

I fought with this tonight. I haven't been to to my home crossfit gym in while, and I was really excited about going today. However, when I pulled in the parking lot, I had this crazy fear come over me and that little voice whispering 'you can't do this...you are too fat...too slow' 'you are just going to embarrass yourself'. I mean even though that is not the case and the coaches have such faith in me...I couldn't hear past that voice. I fought through it though...I am stronger than I give myself credit. I would encourage you to make an effort to look in the mirror each morning and recognize the beauty you have on the inside and on the outside. Silence that little voice and believe that your great!

Today's Food Log:
Breakfast: Protein Shake and 1\2c Oatmeal
Snack: 7 Fresh Baby Carrots
Lunch: 3.5oz chicken breast, steamed veggies, 1\3 sweet potato, an apple
Snack: Fresh Cauliflower
Dinner: Sauteed Shrimp, squash, red bell pepper, asparagus (portion size here was way too big, I waited too long and was starving)

Workout Log:
4 rounds
:15 plank hold
:15 air squats
:15 mountain climbers
:15 jumping squats
(yikes)

1RM Front Squat
5@45#, 5@135#, 3@155#, 2@175#, 1@195#, 1@215#, failed @225# ----so sad last max was 250#

Partner WOD----my half
300m farmer carry 30#
25 box jumps (20")
20 squat cleans (95#)
100 Double Unders

The Journey Begins with Acceptance

It's funny how we as humans we are all looking for this sense of approval from others. Even when we tell ourselves that we don't care what other people think, I believe that deep down we are all looking to be accepted. I think this is a big part of the journey, and acceptance can translate into many things. For me, right now, acceptance is allowing myself to become part of the process and learning to enjoy it. Sounds simple right?

It is simple especially when I am sitting behind my computer. LOL. Truthfully, it is challenging in the heat of the moment when you want to be able to eat like everybody else or when things still aren't going like you think they should. It is easier to just say "ok, forget it...I give up", but that is what makes this a process. Accepting that this is all part of the journey and realizing that you are just like everybody else. We all have our own battles to fight, and, unfortunately, most of those battles are under the surface.

I also think we as people get so wrapped up in our own stories and battles that we forget that we all share this one similarity...we are all screaming 'please be ok with me'. It is easy for me stand back and see people that are thin and believe that they have no idea what I am going through. It is easy for me to believe that they are judging me and that my appearance is all they see. It is easy to believe the lie that they will never accept me for who I because I don't look like them. However, that is just what it is...a lie. People who are meant to be in your life will accept you for who are as long as you can accept who you are as well.

Here is today's progress:
I weighed and measured (very frustrating moment)this morning and made the commitment to stick with this.

Food Log:
Breakfast: Protein Shake and 1\2c oatmeal
Snack: 7 fresh baby carrots
Lunch: 3.5oz chicken breast, steamed veggies, 1\3 sweet potatoe, and an apple
Snack: 1.5c of raw broccoli and cauliflower (coworkers are not big fans lol)
Dinner: Pork Roast, Steamed Veggies, Apple
Snack: Protein Shake (super hungry)

Workout:

Overall, I would say today was pretty successful. I am very thankful for all of the kind words and encouragement as well. Definitely makes it easier to stay strong.

The Diet Failure Exposed

We all know the infamous "failure to plan is planning fail" mistake. I am guilty of this far more than I would like to admit, but let's talk about the mistakes that no one really likes to talk about. I am sure there are far more that I could ever begin to touch on, but this one is the one that I have fallen victim to. (Just so we are clear I am no more a victim here than you are)

Successful Weightloss 2014

A friend of mine and I were talking the other day about the way I was feeling. When you step back and really think about it, it is by far the craziest line of thinking. It is the vicious cycle of feeling fat and hating the way you look and so you end up emotional eating. You feel better for a little while and then really hate yourself for doing that again and on and on it goes. I mean really...what is that? The curse of emotional eating!!!! So how do you get around it? Plan better, have an accountability partner\group, ignore it? How is that you can go from super motivated all the way down to depressed about the way you look all in the same week? 

Right Back Where I Started 2015

I believe this is a big reason why I fail so often. I had some great success last year losing weight. I got all the way down to 178# and was in great shape. I was able to do so many amazing things that I never would have imagined possible, so what happened? I am all the way back at square one...AGAIN! Emotional eating, stress and a battle with an eating disorder all brought me right back to here. I am not happy to be here again, but I am starting over and I at least know that it is possible. But how to I stay motivated and keep my emotions and stress at bay? Well, that is where this blog comes in...sometimes just shedding light on an area that has been kept in the darkness will help you  heal. That is my hope, so this afternoon I went back to what I was eating last time I was successful and I meal prepped it again. I know that I can do this and I hope that holding myself accountable through this blog with help. (By the way, if you are reading these and want to chime in feel free)

Meal Prepping Madness :)

Day 4 - Appearances

Appearances can be very deceiving...understatement of the year of course. Sometimes we find ourselves associating a beautiful appearance with happiness. In fact, this concept is thought to be true in many situations. However, that is the most common misconception with appearances, because happiness is not found there. Take my situation for example...I have been 200#, 315#, 220#, 178#, and back and forth. But no matter how many times my appearance changes one thing remains, happiness did not come and go with the weight. In fact, I was just as unhappy at 178# as 315#...it may have changed its direction...but unhappiness was always there. So what does this mean? Should I stop caring so much about what I look like?

Honestly, I don't think that is it at all. I think caring about my appearance is important, but I also think finding what it is that drives that obsession is equally as important. I mean if I only care about looking like other people....then I am in trouble. I will never be happy, because that is not what I am supposed to look like. This is a big part of the journey. Accepting who you are and how you were made is just a part of life...and sometimes it sucks!

Today, sucked food wise.
Bf: Protein Shake
L: Chips and Green Sauce, Cabo Salad, COKE ZERO :(
S: A little icee
D: Subway Sandwich, 2 oatmeal cookies

Workout: (Thanks to Crossfit Champions)
400m run
20 squats
20 ring rows
20 pushups
20 lunges

shoulder press 3@80#, 3@95#, 6@105#

4x3min AMRAP (1 min rest)
150m farmer carry, ME jumping squats (46)
400m run, ME bentover row (25) @55#
100DU, ME ring rows (12)
500m row, ME db snatches @30# (16)

Day 3 - The Art of Being Content

What exactly does being content look like or, better yet, what does it feel like? This question can be challenging to answer. A good friend once told me that being happy is a choice. That no matter what the circumstances look like, happiness is always a choice. This is a lot easier said than done at times. I find myself now battling this very choice. Not being able to do what I love to do and having to ultimately settle for something else has been very heart breaking. But I have decided that I have to make that choice. I have decided that despite the circumstances surrounding this choice I am choosing to be happy with it. I am choosing to be grateful for the ability to still do what makes me happy even if it's not how I would like to do it.

I wish that it would not have taken me as long to get here, but unfortunately that is how life works.  We have to fall before we can get up. Here's to getting up!

Food Log
Bf: Protein Shake, Oatmeal
L: Salata Salad (salata mix, kale, cucumber, carrots, broccoli, peas, black beans, cilantro, corn, cranberries, seafood mix, avocado, walnuts, egg, feta cheese, bacon, croutons, herb vinaigrette)
S: Nutrigrain Bar
D: Tilipia, steamed veggies
S: Popcorn

Food Analysis:
No soda again....small success. Could have done without the popcorn obviously, but that's better than junk food. Need to go back to eating the salad without dressing....it's an acquired taste but totally doable and will save god knows how many calories. Dinner was good, and I am really glad that I choose not to just grab something while we were out. My daily goal is to make a healthy substitution as many times during the day as I can. For accountability purposes, let's say twice a day. That is easy to do.

Exercise:
20 minute Jog on Treadmill - Random @5.0
Quad Ext. 3x12@65#
Ham Curl 3x12@65#
Single Leg Press 3x8@50#
Reverse Grip Pullups 3x every minute @40#\50# (6 round)
Front Squats 3x every 90sec for 5 rounds @ 65#, 115#, 135#, 155#, 165#
Lat Pulls 3x6@100#
DB snatches 10@30#, 10@35#, 10@40#

EMOM for 4 @20#
5 DB squat cleans
5 front squats
5 push press

Every 30 secs for 5 minutes
3 DB Thrusters @ 20#

Day 2 - The Big Picture

Sometimes it is very challenging to see the big picture through the day to day struggles. I mean how can you possibly know. It is what make tv series so intriguing. There is always that anticipation and suspense that keeps us wondering what will happen next. Our lives offer the same experience. Every choice we make has a small ripple effect that adjusts the big picture slightly, so how can we be sure what that picture is suppose to look like. I can see where I want to be and what I want to do, and in the moment it is quite easy to make the right decisions to help get me there. But then the story slows down and we get distracted and it almost seems like that picture is so far away that the moments right now don't make as much. It sucks but it is what it is. We have to find a way to push through, and that is what makes us who we are. It defines us.

Today was one of those days for me. My big goal this week was to give up sodas. So far so good here, but the urge to eat junk unfortunately is still there. I wish that food was not an issue for me, but let's be real here...that is not something that will go away over night.

So here it is:

Food Log
Bf: Protein Shake
S: Cliff Bar
Lunch: Salmon and Steamed Veggies (by far one of my favorite meals)
S: Protein Shake with Peanut Butter
D: Salmon and Steamed Veggies (extra piece of salmon)
S: (Here is where the trouble lies) Popcorn and Goldfish

Food Analysis:
Overall, not a bad day with the exception of the snacking tonight. I am not even sure what I was thinking there. But I did make it through another day without drinking soda, and I plan to keep that up. I did learn earlier this week that salmon is considered a fatty fish...which really sucks because it is my favorite. I plan to go back to my broiled chicken when I go back to the grocery store.

Exercise: 
First day at Planet Fitness
5 minute warm-up jog
DB Chest Press 3x15 @ 30#
DB Bentover Row 3x10 @ 35#
Overhead Walking Lunges 3x12 @ 50#
Lateral Shoulder Raises 3x10 @ 15#
Deadlift 3x10 @ 60#
Assisted Pullups 4@85#, 4@70#, 3@55#, 2@40#, 6@100#
Back Squat 3x10 @ 115#
Tabata Abs 3x each
   Weighted Flutter Kicks @ 25#
   Legit Situps @ 25#
   Planks Holds
1 mile run in the evening

Day 1 - Small Accomplishments

Today was not as successful as I would have hoped, but I definitely had some small gains. No soda at all today, which in my situation is actually pretty big. I did get a workout in although I wish it would have been a little longer.

Here it is:
Food Log
Bf: protein shake, 1\2c of oatmeal with cinnamon
S: apple
L: Salad from Salata (salata mix, kale, cucumber, broccoli, carrots, black beans, cilantro, peas, corn, cranberries, bacon, avocado, croutons, herb vinegrette), raspberry lemonade
S: tropical passion smoothie (could have done without)
D: Salmon and steamed veggies, shared an apple with Abby

Food analysis:  I would like to go back to meat and veggies for breakfast, I am pretty sure that would make a huge difference, and although Salata is deceivingly healthy I need to limit that as well. Should have prepared a little better for being out and about. Leaving out soda today was a big step. Ready for day 2.

Workout

(12:17)

10-8-6-4-2
Power Clean
Ring Row
Situp
Box Jump
Kettle Bell Swing

100m run at the beginning of each round

The New Journey

Let me front-load a little by saying that this journey will not be easy for me. This has been a very challenging year with some really great successes and some of the worst times of my life (so not exaggerating). This journey, however, is very unique. This is not just a journey about weight-loss for me. (God knows I have had many journeys there) This is going to be about changing my body, balancing my life, and really finding myself. I am excited and I am also very nervous. I am pretty sure by all definitions I could categorize myself as a "habitual dieter". My nutritional has always been a very unstable area for me. This time is going to be different me though. I recently stop doing crossfit which has made exercising very challenging. I know I can do this though.

What you will see here...

I am going to be sharing my journey here daily. My food logs, my exercise routines, my frustrations and my accomplishments. I hope that my journey will inspire others to start their own. 

Workout Partners

Having a workout partner can make all the difference in the world. It can be as simple as doing it together at the same time or even doing something separately and talking about it later. This is what really makes or breaks a good program. For me, I will go a little farther and push through things that I might not have by myself.

Today, I am thankful for my friend, Raquel!!

For time:
100 double understand
80 air squats
60 dumbbell snatches (25#)
40 sit ups
20 Kettle bell Swings (35#)

Then,

6 minute EMOM
5 burpees, 5 squats, 5 sit ups

It was a good one.

Crossfit Fix

Not crossfitting daily has been very challenging for me. I miss the workouts, I miss the lifting, I miss the people...doing it alone is always way more difficult. But today, I got my crossfit fix :)

Thank you Crossfit Champions

Warm-up:
400m run
20 Goblet Squats 35#
20 KBS 35#
20 KB Snatches 35#
20 GHD situps

Strength:
Strict Press
5 @ 65% (75#)
5 @ 75% (85#)
7 @ 85% (95#)

Conditioning:
6 minute AMRAP w\partner
Tire Flips (BA tire)
Jump Rope
Total = 50

rest 3 minutes

6 minute AMRAP w\partner
Stone Cleans (65#)
Jump Rope
Total = 46

OMG!!!! I MISS CROSSFIT!!!! It felt really good, but back to my garage I go. I can do this! Not to mention, I ate really good today. Win, Win!!

The Motivator

What is it that drives your motivation? It is crazy...I love exercising, but for some reason I am having a really hard time lately getting motivated to get started. Once I am going, I am usually pretty good. But I can't seem to shake the unmotivated weight that is holding me down. I mean what is that? How can I go from borderline obsessive to unable to get moving?

Well, hopefully my struggles can help others feeling the weight of the un-motivator.

Today's workout:

Jog 1.25 mile (kind of slow but moving)

3x10 Kettlebell Swings (35#)
3x10 Horizontal Ring Rows
9 round of 3 pushups every 30 secs

12 rounds of 30sec of work\15 sec of rest

1) sandbag cleans (40#)
2) sandbags situps 20#
3) goblet squats (35#)

Not bad, felt really good moving....still searching for a workout partner. Any takers. It is always helpful to share our struggles and our workouts....Welcome Back Motivator!

Identity

How do you identify yourself?

For me this has always been easy. I knew, or at least I thought I knew, exactly who I was. I knew what I loved, I knew what I wanted to be, and I knew exactly what I believed. There was a time when ll of things were so easy for me. I never questioned my identity.

The past couple of years of my life have been quite challenging, and the experience alone has been very eye opening. I am not sure exactly who I am anymore. Sometimes so much so that I don't even recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. I have found that things are not nearly as clear and black and white as I once believed. 

What do you do when this happens? The only logical thing to do is start over. Wipe the slate clean, take a few much needed steps back, and regroup. That is what I am doing. 

I decided to take a a break from crossfit which has been very challenging. I find myself questioning who I am without it. I am going to start completely over with my approach to exercise and nutrition and try to find the joy that I once had. I have decided that I have to disconnect emotionally which I think will help as well. Who knows. It is definitely a process. 

Here's to new beginnings. 

The Image - Our Daily Struggle

It's time to get real ladies. It is time we lay it all on the table. We all have the image in our head. You know the one. The one perfect image of what we would like our bodies to look like. That image that we see every time we look in the mirror or step on the scale. Let's talk about that image. It usually different for everyone, but we all share one thing in common. The universal hold that it has on us. 

That hold is emotional, it is physical and it is most of all psychological. It's what causes us to be depressed after stepping on the scale in the morning or not putting ourselves out there because we don't feel desirable. Under the surface, it wreaks havoc on every part of our lives.  For most us, this began in our teenage years. I distinctly remember the first time that I realized that I did not look like everyone else. Of course, by everyone else I am referring to my distorted view of what beauty was. From that moment on, this image took hold of every part of my life. It affected my clothing choices, it affected my interactions with others, it affected how I saw myself and how I put myself out there. It is really sad to look back and see how distorted my beliefs were. Even though I have matured beyond this distorted view, I still find myself holding on tightly to this image of perfection and it still affects the way that I see myself. 

It is crazy to think that this battle can still be raging in the background after all this time. So my question is...what does it take for you to be happy with your body? Do you need to be a certain weight? Do you need to be at certain fitness level? Do you need to look like a super-model? I mean these are legit questions. 

When is it okay to be who you are? 

The answer to that question is Now! It is okay to be who you are now. We all know that answer is true, but the reality of the situation is that truly believing that and letting it take hold is a daily struggle for most. It is what makes yo-yo dieting so prevalent. It is what makes sticking to a new workout plan so difficult. It is also why it is so important for women to come together and help each other stay accountable. Making sure that it is not about fulfilling this image, but about making sure that we can live healthy lives. That we can be happy in our own skin.  

I firmly believe in the idea that "by letting your own light shine, we unconsciously give others the courage to do the same". When we share our failures, our successes, and our insecurities, we give others the strength to do the same. This is the fuel for success!